Harry Potter and the Year Draco Malfoy Started a Stupid Club
by one.of.those.weasley.kids
Summary: It was an ordinary morning at the Slytherin table. Everyone was eating their green eggs and silver bacon and drinking their glasses of pure evil. Down the way from Draco, Pansy and her friend were talking about who they were going to murder next. Everybody was petting their pet snake and getting ready for another day of pure, rotten evil. Overkill? *Weirdest thing you will read


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize!**

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It was an ordinary morning at the Slytherin table. Everyone was eating their green eggs and silver bacon and drinking their glasses of pure evil. Down the way from Draco, Pansy and her friend were talking about who they were going to murder next. Everybody was petting their pet snake and getting ready for another day of pure, rotten evil.

Overkill?

Okay, fine. Nobody brought their pet snakes, they were left at the Slytherin common room. Just kidding, nobody in the Slytherin house had a pet snake (except for that one first year, but he has always been a bit odd). The Slytherins were actually just eating regular colored eggs and bacon (again, except for that one first year, what was the matter with him) and chatting about the day ahead and whether or not they thought their makeup was too much. I mean only Pansy and her friend were talking about that, obviously.

 _People really misunderstand us Slytherins,_ thought Draco, _I mean nobody in our years has ever killed anyone, nobody is super Evil_ _TM_ _, and nobody really eats green eggs and silver bacon, well almost nobody._ He thought of that one first year.

"Right, Draco?" inquired Pansy, suddenly turning and looking at him expectantly.

"Um, well… er…. I mean… What?" Draco spluttered uncomfortable with the creepy way her friend was staring (and the one first year, too… what was up with this kid?!).

"I said," huffed Pansy, obviously frustrated and annoyed that she had to repeat her question, "do you think my cat eye is sharp enough?"

"What in the world is a cat eye? Why do you have a cat eye and why did you sharpen it?" pondered Draco.

"Boys!" muttered Pansy to her friend who scowled in agreement and then turned back to her breakfast of grilled Gryffindors…. lol just kidding. Draco shrugged and turned and tuned into Blaise and Robert's conversation. They were staring at the Ravenclaw table disdainfully.

"I mean, what is with her hair?" Robert asked staring at Luna with a disgusted look. "It's just so abnormally pale, and blonde!"

A silence abruptly fell over the entire Great Hall, as Robert had said that comment fairly loudly and it was pretty quiet at breakfast, and everyone turned and looked with a shocked look at Draco. Draco was looking at Robert with an offended look and reached up and touched his hair gently, as if consoling it.

"What's wrong with pale, blond hair?" he asked Robert with a scowl, and what looked like a bit of a pout.

"I… er….. What I meant was… I mean….. Nothing nothing. It looks perfectly fine. Actually, better than fine. It looks exquisite!" Robert stammered in a panic as he looked to Blaise for help. Blaise just shook his head and sighed softly.

"You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out." With that statement he looked at Draco and said, "Man, your hair is fine," with the air of someone trying very hard not to laugh.

Draco suddenly stood up and abruptly left the Great Hall, leaving Robert nearly in tears, still clutching his silky pale blond hair muttering things under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "stupid" and "pale, blond hair is cool".

"Well, that was simply delightful!" exclaimed that one first year kid as he when back to eating his green eggs and silver bacon, drinking his glass of pure evil (orange juice with pulp), and petting his vicious pet snake, named Nagini.

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Draco didn't show up to any of the morning classes that day and Robert was starting to get nervous that he was planning revenge against him. He kept looking over his shoulder, flinching when people touched him, and jumping whenever someone walked behind him.

After class, the students started to head over to the Great Hall for lunch. It was there that they what Draco had been doing during morning classes. A table had been set up outside of the doors and Draco stood behind the table looking half-joking and half-serious. On the table laid a stack of papers, a clipboard that looked like a sign-up sheet, and lots and lots and lots and lots of buttons. Getting closer they could see that the pins read, "Stop Rude Ding-Sings from Insulting Amazing Blond People". Hahahaha got you again! They actually read, "Anti-Bullying Club-Thingy". Behind Draco was a huge poster which read "Stop Bullying Against Innocent People" and the letters seemed to twist and turn ever so slightly, giving away that they were made with magic.

"Step right up and sign up! Spread awareness and stop bullying!" cried Draco as people gathered in a huge crowd surrounding the table, but not really getting close to it. Except that one first year, he was standing rather close to the table and was whispering to his pet snake.

Nobody moved or spoke, they seemed afraid. Draco looked hurt and sad that nobody wanted to join his club. All of a sudden, there was a rush of movement and Hermione Granger slowly walked up to the table, her face showing her disbelieve.

"Malfoy… Are you being serious?" she questioned.

"Absolutely dead serious (he's not sirius… sorry couldn't resist)," he said nervously, remembering all the times he had bullied Hermione.

"Well, then I'd like to join. I have been bullied in the past," she gave a wry smile at that statement and continued, "but lately I've realized that maybe my bully was just taking his anger out on someone because he didn't know how to cope with it."

The hall was dead silent for a moment and then Draco started to speak sounding ashamed, "If your bully apologized, would you ever forgive him?"

"I would."

"Granger, er, Hermione, I'm really sorry for everything I've said to you that was hurtful and rude."

"I've already forgiven you. Now where do I sign up?" Draco pointed to the sign up sheet and handed her a quill.

"Would anyone else like to join?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes, I most certainly would like to join your weirdly named club." It was that one first year, and he was still holding Nagini, his pet snake, and drinking OJ with pulp. The kids standing near him slowly backed away from him with expressions of fright on their faces.

"Er, what is your name?"

"Tim Roddle" stated the first year with a level of authority.

"And how do you believe you have been bullied?" Draco asked.

"Well, nobody ever talks to me, or sits with me, or looks at me, or anything!" complained Tim Roddle.

"That's because you drink orange juice with pulp!" shouted some kid from the crowd. "And because you seem to be in a relationship with your snake. Which is named after Voldemort's dead snake. But, mainly because you drink orange juice with pulp."

"Wait, your name is TIM RODDLE and you have a snake named Nagini? Are you aspiring to be Voldemort or something?" Hermione said with a nervous chuckle.

"OH MY GOD! You would think that a kid could have just ONE normal year! But no, something has to happen to me every year without fail! First year, Quirell. Second year, a giant basilisk and Voldemort. Third year, I thought my godfather was trying to kill me. Fourth year, I got involved in the Wizarding Hunger Games. Fifth year, my godfather died and I was told the horrible prophecy. Sixth year, Dumbledore died. And this year, I died! WHY ME?!" Harry yelled as he connected the dots between the kid's name and snake, and Ye Olde Volde's name and snake.

Everyone looked startled at Harry's outburst and jumped back from him and Tim.

"Just wait, I'll receive news any moment now that a prophecy has been made involving Tim Roddle and me. Ugh. You know what, I may as well just kill him now and save me the trouble later!" Harry continued his rant. Suddenly an old rag came shuffling around the corner. I mean, Professor Trelawney came hobbling around the corner. Her eyes turned misty as she looked at Harry.

"Yo, dude." she said in a deep gravely voice that was very different from her usual lofty one.

" _Tim and Harry shall have to duel_

 _And one may have to ride a mule_

 _The one with the most smarts_

 _Will win and create arts_

 _But only one may live_

 _While the other must die"_

After this grim statement, she cleared her throat and smacked Harry across the face very harshly. "Well, why is everyone looking at me? Did I sleep walk down here?" she asked suddenly realizing that a) she had just hit Harry who looked furious and b) somehow ended up in front of the Great Hall. Harry surged forward, drawing back his arm as though to punch Trelawney, but Ron quickly jumped forward and grabbed Harry, effectively preventing Harry from attacking Trelawney.

"Anyways…" Draco said awkwardly as they watched Harry trying to break free from Won-Won's grip. "Is there anyone else who is more sane than Harry, Trelawney, or that Tim Roddle kid who wants to join my club?"

Suddenly, Harry bit Ron's arm, causing him to let go and howl in pain, and Harry ran over and threw his fist aiming at Trelawney's dazed and confused face, but she walked away at the last second and Harry punched Tim's little chubby (he is a first year) face, as he was standing behind Trelawney before she moved. Tim immediately started attacking Harry, aiming for anything he could reach, which was his knees and below (short first years, am I right). Everyone focused on the fight, Draco's Anti-Bullying club completely forgotten as they watched Harry calmly pick up Tim and hold him an arm's length away. Unfortunately, Harry had forgotten about the snake and was quickly reminded of it when it bit him in the rear.

Harry quickly dropped Tim (or as he was quickly beginning to refer to him, Small Devil Child, AKA the child Voldemort) and clutched his rear in pain. The crowd watching was either laughing uncontrollably or backing away in fear, screaming and running for their lives. This was all too similar of what had happened when Ole Moldy Shorts was still alive and kickin'. Draco had taken cover under the table, clutching his buttons to his chest. Hermione and Ron had angled themselves behind Harry (well, Hermione had forcibly drug Ron over behind Harry. Ron honestly didn't want to have anything to do with this, but oh well). Harry had recovered from the butt shot and was currently sizing up the Small Devil Child (aka Tim Roddle). He and Tim had begun to circle around each other (it was here Harry had a sense of deja-vu cause he did this exact same thing in the Battle of Hogwarts with He-Who-Had-No-Nose) when all of the sudden they heard an extremely girly scream coming from under the table.

They looked up to see Draco standing on top of the table in what one could assume to be the most girlie way (you know, like knee's bent inwards, arms up by chest… that kinda thing). A few seconds later another girl began to scream. Oh wait, that was Ron. Apparently Draco's Anti-Bully-Club-Thingy buttons had suddenly turned into spiders (and we all know how much Ron loves spiders) and were currently chasing Ron down the corridor (who happened to be holding a very frightened Draco in his arms… the image was quite adorable) yelling after them. "Wait! Slow down! We didn't mean to frighten you! We only wanted to know if you wanted some tea!" The spiders and Ron and Draco disappeared from sight and everyone just stood there for a second in shock (honestly, I would be too. Spider's that want tea?).

Harry's attention was brought back to Tim Roddle when he began to hear a familiar hissing sound. It was kind of catchy.

"Hmmmm" they heard from down the hall. They turned and saw Professor Snape (he didn't die in the battle) swooping his way towards them. "It's kind of… catchy." He began looking around trying to find where it was coming from. "Not over here… Not over there." He stopped in the middle of the group of kids and began to tap his foot… and sing (I'm sure you all know what's about to happen so small disclaimer… I don't own what happens next).

"Snape… Snape... Severus Snape. Snape… Snape… Severus Snape." Suddenly the spirit of Dumbledore sprang out of a suit of armour causing several men to squeal like pigs.

"DUMBLEDORE!"

"Snape… Snape... Severus Snape.." "DUMBLEDORE" "rON… rON… ron WEASLEY." Ron had returned with Draco (he was still carrying him) and the spiders, all carrying cups of tea. "Dumbledore" "Snape… Snape... Severus Snape". "DUMBLEDORE" "rON… rON… ron WEASLEY." (I'm sure you all get the idea as you all have heard the Mysterious Ticking Noise. So we're going to move on to the end.) "I found the source of the hissing noise." Everyone cheered with Ron's announcement. "It's a Tim bomb!" (see what we did there? AHAHAHAHA!). All of the sudden, the Great Hall got dark as a figure came swooping down upon them laughing evilly (y'all know what's about to happen… sing along).

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone ran for cover, screaming their heads off. Well everyone except for Tim Roddle. Seriously, what was wrong with this child?! They all watched from their various hiding places (Draco still firmly wrapped around Ron) as the ghostly figure of Ole Baldy Farts floated down in front of Tim. He paused in front of the little boy before continuing. "Voldemort, Voldemort ooh Voldey, Voldey, Voldey, Voldemort" and with that, he passed through Tim Roddle, causing the boy to begin to evaporate (much like Voldemort did in Deathly Hallows Part 2 fight scene with Harry, WHICH WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN). "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tim gave out a cry as he disappeared into the oblivion.

The hall was silent as the students and staff watched the remains of Tim Roddle float away.

"So, as I was saying before Harry attacked a first year and called on the spirit of Dumbledore and He-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Royal-Pain… Anyone want to join my club? I have more buttons!" Draco asked as if Tim Roddle's remains were not still floating in the air. People began to regain feeling and either walked into the Great Hall for a well needed lunch break or signed up for Draco's club.

Trelawney shuffled back to her attic, whistling what sounded like the tune to which Tim Roddle had died. The spirit of Dumbledore shrugged his shoulders and then disappeared with a *pouf*.

In the Great Hall, Harry and Ron (Hermione was helping Draco with his club and having tea with the spiders… they were just misunderstood creatures) walked slowly over to Gryffindor table. Harry heard what sounded like Draco's girly high-pitched scream and sighed. _Now what!_ he thought. He didn't have long to ponder as he was all of the sudden thrown in the air, landing on the back of what he thought was a mule. Harry began to scream as the mule ran around the Great Hall, with him on his back. "Why? Why me? Why is it always me?" He heard a shout come from over by the Gryffindor table, it sounded like Neville. "That's my line, Harry." Harry continued to scream as the mule ran in and out of people's paths, up and over tables, under tables (not sure how exactly, but yeah) before throwing him off of it's back. Harry crumpled up on the floor in front of the Gryffindor table. Everyone clambered around him, wondering if the Boy-Who-Lived would become Boy-Who-Survived-Voldemort-But-Was- Killed-By-A-Mule. Harry gave out a small moan before pushing himself up off the ground. "Why a mule?" He heard a snicker come from somewhere on his left and looked up to see Ron stifling his laughter. "Well, Harry. Trelawney did say that one of you would have to ride a mule."

THE END!

PS Draco, Hermione, and the spiders ended up bonding over tea and now meet every week to discuss things (like spider rights)... Trelawney continued to be a nutty, old bat (did you expect anything else)... Harry remained terrified of mules… Ron understood that not all spiders are vicious creatures and occasionally joined in on the weekly teas… And they all lived happily ever after... Until the next prophecy… Dun Dun DUUUN! (lol.. I sound like Rick Riordan)

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 **So this was not me that wrote this (well, I kind of helped), but my sister wrote the majority of this (she's the one that wrote True Love For Two, Please). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed.**

 **Please Review!**

 **Sincerely, Just as confused about this story as you are….**


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